humor, life, men and women, Writing

Hot to bot

I usually avoid cliches like the plague, but brother, this one is right dead center on target: old age ain’t for cream puffs. It’s hard enough just getting up some mornings, then you open the (electronic) paper and are greeted with the bulletin that “The sexbots are coming.”

Believe it or not, I had a sexbot once. Unfortunately, whenever I tried to get friendly, she just kept saying, “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.” (ba-dum-BUM!) Actually, sexy bots have been around for a long time. Does anyone else remember Bob Cummings and the very va-va-voom Julie Newmar, a.k.a. Rhoda the robot, in a ‘60s sitcom called “My Living Doll”?

Of course, things have evolved since then. The Washington Post item linked above mentions an outfit called OhMiBod, maker of “The Art of Science and Love,” a sex toy with an app that allows the user’s partner to control it — from the same room, sure, but also from far away. One of the company’s founders says, “Think about that Marine overseas, wanting to somehow intimately connect with his partner or his wife, and that’s super, super important.”

Time out. First of all, any troop on an overseas base might not have the kind of privacy needed for these tete-a-tetes. Can you imagine playing long-distance bouncy in a barracks room full of other guys (or gals)? And what if the gadget goes haywire – maybe gets stuck in high gear?

Tech support person: “Can I help you?”

Caller: “Ohhh yes! Yeeessss!! YES! YES! YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!

Maybe you don’t want to go that far. Let’s say your love life used to feel like a Lamborghini, but these days it’s more like a 1993 Volvo, and you want to steam up the windows a bit. Well, as long as you’re of legal age, you can use the gift of technology to fire up your beloved with a sexy text message! Best of all, you don’t even have to think it up yourself! There are plenty of cyber-Cyrano websites with the perfect words to make your special hottie practically radioactive! Here are some examples, which I promise I’m not making up:

Were you carrying a mirror in your pocket? Because I could see myself in your pants!

Wanna play hide the sausage? 

How about we pretend we’re auditioning for a porn flick?

Just went to the bathroom at the [bar/party/restaurant] and took off my underwear. One less thing for you to remove tonight… (This one is from Cosmo. Did I have to tell you?)

We’re probably a lot further down this road than we think. Before you know it, the bots will have their own dating service and won’t even need us anymore! Until then,

“Keep your ‘lectric eye on me babe
Put your ray gun to my head
Press your space face close to mine, love
Freak out in a moonage daydream oh yeah” – David Bowie, “Moonage Daydream”


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