English language and grammar, humor, Internet, life, online security, retirement

Scammer grammar hammer

I’ve found my calling. Since I retired a couple of years back, I’ve been floundering in the shallows of unfulfillment, trying to find purpose in geezerhood. And the market for over-60 male porn stars is a lot smaller than I hoped.

But now I’ve found a gig I can do brilliantly. It’ll never dry up and will leave me rollin’ in simoleons. The job? Teaching English to scammers! These hardworking capitalists have been around since the days of dial-up, but sadly, their grasp of the lingo is still a tad sketchy. Here, verbatim, is the email that plotzed into my inbox this very morning:

Subject: Due our security concern We need verified your payment activity

Dear (email address),
We need to lock your apple account for the following reason(s):

05 April 2017: We want to check your account surely not log-in with other device.
06 April 2017: Your account has been make a payment $116 using apple pay with a Payment Code: APP-X42-C22-P0.
10 April 2017: Due our security concern we need to block your account access until this issued has been resolved , we will waiting for 1 week or your account has been disabled permanently.

  1. LOGIN TO YOUR ACCOUNT
  2. Confirm Your identity and our system will replace with your new information.
  3. Your will be redirected and your account ready to use

It’s pretty clear why this message won’t work. First rule: send it to somebody who actually HAS an “apple” account. Besides, “We want to check your account surely not log-in with other device” is a dead giveaway. Haven’t they ever seen “Airplane?” Don’t call me Shirley! Here’s the same message with a few edits from your faithful protector of Good English:

Subject: Who the hell are you?

Dear gluten-brain:

We sure hope it wasn’t you who rented “Naughty Nymphos of North Korea” and “Pammy Does Pyongyang” the other day. We’re freezing your account colder than a Siberian squirrel’s nuts until you can verify yourself. Send us a photo of yourself (FULLY CLOTHED) and answer this security question: What’s the maiden name of your mother’s Uncle Sorghum’s fourth ex-wife? (You can also send a voice recording of yourself singing, “I Went Back with My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First-Class Fool Out of Me.”)

And from now on, be more careful about what you say online. You might get elected governor of Alabama.

humor, Internet, life, new old age, online security, retirement, Uncategorized

Hello, it’s me. Seriously.

Hi, this is Dave. It’s really me.

No kidding. Honestly, I’m Dave. I’m the real deal, the true article, born smack in the middle of the Boom and raised in Kalamazoo, Michigan (where the city motto is, “Nobody Knows What the Heck It Means Anymore, But Yeah, There’s Still a Kalamazoo”).

I’m Dave, the guy with the deflating bed, aka Uncle Grumpy the grammar grouch, chronicler of old-age indignities, frog attacks, and sex advice for other geezers. Yes, that Dave! Check my photos and fingerprints if you’re not convinced.

Why am I trying to convince you that I’m myself? The other day, I got an emailed receipt and survey from a hotel where I never stayed. A few frantic phone calls revealed that somebody checked in using my name and my old Atlanta address, which were exposed in the big hack of federal employee data a couple of years ago. In other words, my identity has been stolen.

We’re not on the hook for any money, and so far haven’t uncovered any other scams. But it’s disturbing to know there’s a fake me out there. I also have to wonder what kind of putz would heist a normal, boring identity like mine. Why couldn’t he steal from somebody interesting, like Ted Cruz?

Until now, I hadn’t been affected by the breach and was hoping, apparently naively, to remain unscathed. But I can’t sit around worrying either.

If you’re a victim of identity theft or are afraid you might be, the federal government’s resource page is a good place to start. Meanwhile, if you run into somebody claiming to be David Swan, here’s how to tell the Dave from the doppelganger.

  1. If he has hair, it ain’t me, babe.
  2. He should know all kinds of obscure 60s and 70s music references (like the one in item #1). Ask him to name the duo that inflicted “In The Year 2525” on us, or the title of Norman Greenbaum’s follow-up to “Spirit In The Sky.” (Hint: It involves food.*)
  3. Sing the praises of Ohio State and/or Michigan State football. If you don’t hear “Go Blue!” within about 15 seconds, call the gendarmes!
  4. If he uses “barbecue” as a verb, he’s counterfeit. This is something I learned from my Southern transplantation. You might also ask him about his favorite meat and three.
  5. Get him to reminisce about being a cabdriver or an all-night DJ on an elevator-music radio station.
  6. If you’re riding in his car and he has no sense of direction, is the total antithesis of GPS and generally couldn’t find a giraffe in a broom closet, that’s me!

*The tune was “Canned Ham.” This has nothing to do with Canned Heat, a great blues band of the same era. See what I mean about those music references?

federal job, life, online security, retirement

Diary of a hacking victim, chapter 1

Exposed. Naked (and not in any good way). Vulnerable. Powerless. Adrift. Apprehensive. Anxious. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. And definitely mad as hell. These are some of the things I’ve felt since learning that I’m among the millions whose precious personal data was lost when the federal Office of Personnel Management got hacked.

When the story broke I figured it was just a matter of time, and sure enough, I now have an email from OPM: “The data compromised in this incident may have included your personal information, such as your name, Social Security number, date and place of birth, and current or former address.” It goes on to offer credit monitoring and ID theft insurance, and claims OPM has made “an aggressive effort to update its cybersecurity posture.”  All well and good – but a textbook case of locking the barn after the horse is out. The systems are so old they can’t even be encrypted. Didn’t anybody understand the risk?

I’ve had similar problems before, starting the first time I bought something online and had my credit card number hijacked. But you can fix that with a new card, usually with no liability. It’s pretty frightening to think that my SSN, 30+ years of federal employment records, and who knows what else are out there in a hostile cyber-wilderness. As my former boss, National Taxpayer Advocate Nina Olson, has said in her battle against tax-related ID theft, “Identity theft is an invasive crime that can have a traumatic emotional impact,” including symptoms similar to those of post-traumatic stress disorder.

I know there are many, many others facing much more danger than me, especially those in the military, the State Department, intelligence agencies, and other sensitive jobs. I just have no confidence that OPM will right the ship, or that its leaders even grasp the magnitude of their failures and incompetence. That email was signed by the chief information officer. Why not the director? Why can’t she take responsibility?

Update and correction:  In the earlier version of this post, I described the security feature on the credit monitoring site, which says “Please confirm that you are human and not a robot by checking the box below” as likely to be ineffective. I’ve since learned that it works like the traditional captcha feature. Sorry for the error.