Tag Archives: Go Blue

The ATL for Yankees and Gator fans

Greetings to all Michigan Wolverines, Florida Gators,* folks who got on the wrong plane, and everybody else who’s bound for Atlanta and the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl! This is part of that delightful American holiday tradition in which we celebrate with family, give to the needy, humbly honor the rituals of our faith, and resolve to be better people in the New Year, then scream ourselves into an aneurysm and throw bowls of clam dip at our brand-new mega-screen TVs when a “ref” decides a young man from Our School “didn’t get his foot down in bounds.”

I’m talking about college football bowl games, approximately 8,395 of which are played every year, including the aforesaid Peach Bowl, which pits the Universities of Michigan and Florida against each other (again!). As an Atlanta resident, a U-M grad, AND an official Florida Man with a home on the Panhandle, I am uniquely qualified to answer all the Important Questions for visiting fans! Like these here:

Q: Is the traffic in Atlanta as bad as everybody says?
A: That’s just fake news. It’s worse. Think Midtown Manhattan and I-94 in Detroit are hellish caverns of misery? Down here we have the Perimeter, which winds around the city like chicken wire, is under construction 24-7 / 365, and moves at the speed of a dying garden slug. If Sherman had taken the Perimeter during his march, he never would’ve made it to the sea; the South would have won the war while he was stuck at the exit to I-20 East. By all means avoid the conflation of interstates we call Spaghetti Junction, which also resembles a nest of rattlesnakes but isn’t as friendly.

Q: What is the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl?
A: First and foremost, it’s not to be confused with any of our myriad** “Peach” and “Peachtree” names and places. Buckle up and listen, ‘cause we got us a Peachtree Street, West Peachtree Street, Peachtree Industrial Boulevard, Peachtree Battle Avenue, Peachtree Corners, Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Plaza, Old Peachtree Road, Peachtree Millennial, Peachtree Pothole, and PTSD, Peachtree Stress Disorder. This game is also not to be confused with a playoff game but we already knew that!

Q: Where will the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl be played?
A: At Mercedes-Benz Stadium.

Q: Why would anyone who drives a Mercedes-Benz eat at Chick-fil-A?
A: They got lost over on Peachtree and couldn’t find a Waffle House, though there’s one on every corner. Lest y’all think we get by on grits and hog parts, we also have restaurants where delectables like sustainable catfish, hakurei turnips, and evoo are on the menu.

Q: Huh?
A: “Evoo” stands for Extra Virgin Olive Oil. However, if I were a server and a customer told me to “hold the evoo,” I’d call the vice squad. And how is the catfish sustainable if you’re going to devour it?

Q: Are grits groceries?
A: Boy Howdy! If you don’t believe it, just ask Little Milton or maybe Wet Willie, who were from Macon, GA, not to be confused with Makin’ Whoopee down on Peachtree, or more likely on Piedmont Road. (Note: the patrons of this fine establishment aren’t actually “Gentlemen.”)


*Over the years there’s been a lot of chatter on sports-talk radio about how “Gator fans never call.” Since I never listen, I have no idea if this vague rumor is true. But using my regular standards of accuracy and integrity, I’m going to assume it is! So Gator guys and gals, please continue this practice and DON’T CALL ME to complain about this article, ask for directions etc.
**Greek, Middle French, and Late Latin for “godamighty, that’s a big ol’ mess of ‘em.”

Stipulations

Stipulate: Law . to accept (a proposition) without requiring that it be established by proof: to stipulate the existence of certain facts or that an expert witness is qualified (from Dictionary.com).

Party A stipulates – at probable great cost to his relationships with his relatives, friends, neighbors, college classmates, exes, ex-roommates, and various strangers – that there is no real, tangible, temporal, actual, discernible, existential, or other connection between one Nicholas Lou (Nick) Saban, of Tuscaloosa, AL or Paul W. “Bear” Bryant, late of Tuscaloosa, and the deity, of any known, real, mainstream, or even non-mainstream church or faith. Said party further stipulates that The Mighty Fine Divine House of ‘Bama, operated out of Stumpy’s Sports Shack in Alabaster, AL, fails to constitute a church for the purposes of this discussion.

Party B appreciates Party A’s renunciation of a lifelong belief, and states that in return she will forswear further use of the story about how the coach went out for his morning walk and got run over by a Jet Ski.

Party A appreciates Party B’s willingness to not bore people with that old joke anymore. He questions whether his initial stipulation means he can no longer employ Alabama Expression #1,“ROLL TIDE!,” or Expression #2, “RAMMER JAMMER YELLOW HAMMER!,” at key points during games.

Party B stipulates Party A can use them all he wants during games if he’ll just stop using Expression #2 during sex.

Party A will stipulate no such thing because he never did. Party A also reminds Party B that people could hear her halfway to Memphis screaming Michigan Expression #1,”GO BLUE!,” last fall, so what’s the big damn deal?

Party B reminds Party A oh yes, he did, and it might be on that video they made that time when they were pretty drunk. Party B stipulates that her enthusiasm might’ve been excessive, but reminds Party A that Michigan State is like Auburn only more so, and he’d know that if he ever damn listened.

Party A stipulates that if she wants to yell “GO BLUE” she isn’t going to do it in HIS house anytime soon and maybe she should do it in the actual Michigan Stadium. And if she wants to freeze to death in September that’s fine with him too.

Party B stipulates that she’d rather freeze than sweat like a goat, and it really doesn’t usually snow much up there during the season, and if he wants to be in any more videos it’s not going to happen in HER house anytime soon.

Party A stipulates that from this moment on, he no longer agrees with Paul Finebaum on the subject of Michigan football.

Party B appreciates his stipulation. In the spirit of reconciliation, she stipulates that her own phrase “drunk-ass goobers” was an inappropriate description for (most) Alabama fans.

Party A thinks it sounds right for a couple other schools.

Party B agrees. She further stipulates that “barbeque” is in fact a noun, not a verb, but refuses to yield on the Dreamland vs. Carlile’s issue.

Party A would like to call the “Slot wide right triple-option naked reverse.”

Party B says no way, but she’s open to a zone blitz.

Parties A and B, B and A, together stipulate:

GO TIDE!!  ROLL BLUE!!