August 24, 2021
Friends, have I got an offer for you. Because SEO isn’t my specialty, I’m asking you to share this post with your network immediately. Don’t sweat: I won’t steer you wrong. This is the real deal, but for reasons I’ll explain directly, y’all need to act right away.
Here’s what’s on the table: My services as a writer for that once-in-a-lifetime occasion when a cheap hack or your unemployed English-major nephew won’t do. If you’re the kind of person I’m trying to reach, you don’t want to trust this to the jerks in the MSM either. I’m talking about your obituary.
What makes me think you need one? Well, you swear you’ll never get a Covid shot. You don’t care that the vaccine is now fully approved. Freedom is your middle name. You’d boo Donald Trump if he urged you to get vaccinated, like some of your buddies in Alabama did the other night. Sure, you’ve always been healthy, but the way things are now, with no immunity and of course no mask, you might not even make it to football season. This is the reason for the urgency I spoke of before. It’s time to get this duck securely in the row.
I’m not being morbid. In the news business, where I worked for many years, it’s standard practice to prepare obits in advance for newsmakers, and people like you are in the news every day. If you’re wondering about my qualifications, my LinkedIn profile will show you that I’ve handled all kinds of assignments under tough deadlines (no pun intended).
This is a serious proposal. In the spirit of public service and bipartisanship (since the great majority of you are Republicans), I’ll write your last chapter at no charge. I promise to be respectful and thorough. Here’s a taste of what your loved ones might read.
“(Your name), who loved life, worked hard at his job and even harder at being a great husband and dad, died Wednesday on a ventilator in a jammed Covid ward. He passed moments after his devastated wife said her final goodbye over the phone. He was 34.
“Unlike other vaccine skeptics who’ve recently died, he never wavered in his belief, expressed last week on Facebook, that the Lord and a healthy lifestyle would protect him from the virus. Friends said he’d been excited about taking his children, Tyler and Jen, to their first (your school) game next month.“
If you think I’m exaggerating or being snarky, here’s a real obit. It used to be said that one’s name should appear in print just three times, at birth, marriage, and death. Please don’t make me write yours too soon. Take care and be safe.