“Best. Sex. Ever!” Those words adorn the cover of a magazine that landed in our snail-mailbox the other day. But if you think you know what that magazine was, you’re probably wrong. No, not Cosmopolitan, nor Elle, Glamour, Redbook, Red Book in a Plain Brown Wrapper, House & Garden (Of Wild, Torrid Pleasures), Self, O, The BIG O, Ohhh Yesssss!, or the other usual suspects.
Give up? It was AARP. Those wacky folks who gave the world a new concept in senior dating are at it again! Of course, it’s no surprise that lots of people who are way beyond 50 – AARP’s threshold for geezers members – are “active.” The article, slightly shortened online, is in Q&A format and does give some good information, especially about medical issues.
What this story mostly shows is that, especially for my fellow men, age sure doesn’t bring wisdom about ye olde bootye calle. Here’s one of the questions: “I was put on [a name brand drug] for low testosterone. Now my energy and libido are both up, but I keep dreaming my wife of 45 years is having sex with other men. The dreams wake me up, and they’re so exciting that I can’t get back to sleep. My doctor says there’s no reason to be concerned. The problem is, I’m losing sleep. Ever heard of this before?” Nope, and I wish I still hadn’t. Try easing up on the snake oil drug.
Another one: “I’m a 54-year-old man. I usually have sex once or twice a week but never more than that. I feel like I’m really slowing down. Is there something wrong with me, or is this just how it goes?” Dude, there are plenty of younger studs for whom once or twice a year would be a leap forward. Count your blessings. If you’re “slowing down,” it might be something bigger than your, uh, mattress, like too much stress or too little exercise.
And one more: “Can you recommend good sex videos for older couples? My spouse and I would like to learn some new techniques, but a lot of the instructional websites we’ve seen advertised look flaky.” I myself, of course, ahem, claim no knowledge of or expertise in evaluating any such videos and have the redacted credit card history to prove it. My guess is they’re trying to make everything look like porn. Hey, comparing one’s self to young, gorgeous, impossibly-endowed guys and gals is a good thing! Even a 97-year-old can leap tall, um, buildings at a single bound!
Things change and we adapt. If you’re still worried about missing out on the Best Ever!, take a cue and a little common sense from my regular spiritual adviser, the Reverend Billy C. Wirtz, who speaks for a generation in this classic tune: “What I Used To Do All Night (Now Takes Me All Night To Do).” The Rev has another good one in the same vein: “Hey You Little Bastards, Get Off My Lawn.” Someday I’ll actually be old enough to say that. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to catch up on my sleep.